Juggle or Balance?
How to Fit Horses in with the Rest of your Life
by April Clay
Republished with
permission from Horse Sport
What rest of your life? Isn't
all your life horses? Isn't that a horse calendar on your desk?
Back issues of Horse Sport? What husband? Oh, the one you chose
because the gentle curve of his jaw reminded you of your first
pony?
Many riders feel as though they have several balls suspended
in mid-air: horse, family, school/work, friends and a whole host
of balls called "other". The terror becomes: what if
one falls? Nevertheless, some riders use this as a strategy unto
itself, believing, "if I don't think about it too much,
it will all work itself out, and if I drop one, well, I'll deal
with it then."
Herein lies the 'juggle theory': you gotta risk, and the consequences
can wait.
A second popular approach to the dilemma of fitting in rides
is about time allocation. It's something we could call 'the balance
theory', which holds that everything of importance in your life
can be broken down into pieces of time, and carefully portioned
out. When all the portions match evenly, you have a winner! The
problem with this approach becomes what counts for what. Just
what is the relative worth of one horse hour? Is it the same
as one kid hour or spouse hour? How about two to one? How do
you decide?
To answer this question, I went
straight to the source. I polled a number of riders who have
successfully managed to fit in riding with the rest of their
lives. I combined this with a little personal and professional
wisdom of my own. Here are the results:
1. Have a plan. If you don't, likely you will end up
in "defensive" mode, reacting to demands as they cross
your path. The result is you feel frenzied and often riding gets
relegated to a low priority. The people around you tend to get
irritated as well. They cannot predict what/where you will be
spending your time and become resentful. Having a plan is closely
related with having goals. Everyone will have different goals
that will reflect their reasons for riding. Recreational riders
will have very different looking plans than competitive riders.
Regardless, a plan keeps you on track and let others know what
they can expect. Judi comments, "There are a couple of things
that I've done to ease the stress. The first is that I decided
to have regular assigned days to go to the barn. I do vary my
days if a social event falls on one of them, but otherwise, I
stick to my schedule. I've been accused of being inflexible and
being stuck in a routine, but at least nobody whines that I'm
going out to see my horses again. They simply expect it on the
assigned days." In short, don't wait for time to come to
you, create it.
2. Don't let guilt rule you. This is a common mistake. You get to
the barn, get an attack of the 'guilts', don't enjoy yourself,
cut your ride short and then feel badly (guilty again!) for the
time you didn't give to your horse. You're left feeling miserable
about everything. It's a vicious cycle that can easily get out
of control. At its worst I have seen riders begin to procrastinate
about riding, not because they don't love it, but because they
unconsciously want to avoid feeling bad about themselves. Try
attacking guilt head on, instead of letting it rule your decisions.
What guilt usually signals is a feeling you may be not meeting
some standard, it may be of wife, mother, friend or even rider.
When guilt strikes, sit down and ask yourself this series of
questions:
- What makes you feel guilty? (I feel guilty because I didn't
have dinner with my family every night this week).
- What standard or value do you feel you have not met? (It is
important for me to stay connected to my family).
- What am I asking myself to do to meet this standard? (I should
be with my family at every mealtime).
- Finally, what is it I really need to do to meet this value?
When you get to this point, chances are you may see some unrealistic
demands you are asking of yourself. Or, you may see that it's
the value that counts, and there may be more than one way to
meet this value. In this case, you may need to renegotiate with
your family and find other ways to stay connected that work for
all of you.
3. Be clear to others about
what riding means to you.
It could be stress release, it could be an accomplishment, it
could be spiritually-based. Whatever your reason for being attracted
to horses, its important that you clearly explain to those close
to you why its so important. If you are unsure yourself about
your 'why', or feel insecure about allowing yourself to have
riding time, others will inevitably pick up on it. You will be
inadvertently sending the message that "hey, I know this
isn't all that important, so could you help me indulge myself?"
When you really want to be saying, "my riding is important
to me because it gives something back that I cannot get anywhere
else. I want your support". Remember, you have to take it
seriously before you can expect anyone else to. After you make
your case, you are in a much better bargaining position. For
example, when your partner has something equally important they
want to have time and support to do. Margot is a rider who has
managed to do just this. "My husband is a hockey player
so we have another deal....I don't complain about his four nights
a week of hockey during the winter and he doesn't complain about
all the horse shows and time in the barn."
4. Think "and" instead
of "either/or".
Human beings are a funny lot. We created this construct called
time in order to help us organize our lives. Unfortunately, it
has led us to count and weigh things. The result? We sometimes
end up resenting the thing we love because it seems to cause
us stress. All those calculations take time! Change your thinking
and you can eliminate some of this stress. Kimberly, who shares
her passion for horses with her boyfriend, has managed to come
up with a workable solution. "We have to make an effort
to incorporate other activities into our lives so that the horses
do not become all-consuming, as we both tend to be a little obsessive
about our riding and training. To do this, we have designated
two days "off" per week from riding.
"During those days, I let a horseless friend ride my horse,
and my boyfriend lets his young horse have turnout and a break
from training. On those days, we ride bikes, hike, play softball
with friends, go to a movie or out for dinner. I think this helps
keep riding from becoming routine and we are always glad to get
back into the saddle after our days off." Like Kimberly,
challenge yourself to think 'riding and...' instead of 'riding
or...'.
5. Be creative. Far too many people just throw up their
hands in defeat. They falsely believe there are only so many
ways of doing things and when they have looked at what they believe
are all the probable solutions, they give up. Sometimes, the
trick is to toss out that concept of 'probable'. Look at every
solution, however outrageous it may seem. Force yourself to come
up with at least three solutions to each barrier that gets in
the way of your riding plans. Bev, the mother of a special needs
child, grappled with the guilt of not spending enough time with
her daughter. She eventually decided there was no reason she
could not combine two commitments, and decided to take her daughter
with her to the barn on occasion. Even though this meant the
hassle of putting together and taking apart a wheelchair, the
results went beyond her expectations. ot only did she manage
to appease some of her guilt, she also began to see a relationship
begin to form between her daughter and horse.
What all these people have in common with their solutions is
they took the time to examine the uniqueness of their situation.
Their plans then reflect both their personal needs and do not
interfere with, but enhance their experience of riding. As one
rider commented, "Bottom line, I do not work so hard with
my horses that they become another job for me. I stay happy and
so do my horses."
April Clay is a Psychologist,
former competitive rider and judge
residing in Calgary. For more
help with your mental training skills try: "Training From
the Neck Up:
A Practical Guide to Sport Psychology for Riders", April
Clay, 1999. OR Subscribe to TheThinking Rider, a freenewsletter
devoted to equestrian sport psychology, on April's web site.
For more information,
call April : (403) 714-2529, email aclay@telusplanet.net,
or web:
www.telusplanet.net/public/acla
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